It’s the beginning of the year, and that can only mean one thing:  the dollar theater.  Between sister wing events, boring friends, and having pretty much nothing to do, it is almost guaranteed that you will visit the dollar theater at least once.  And if you go with girls, it is almost guaranteed that you will NOT get to watch the Terminator or Star Trek; you will be forced to watch Night at the Museum 2.

There are a lot of bad things to be said for this vanilla-bland movie.  It is easy to make fun of.  So I decided to go the more difficult route:  come up with some positives.  So far I have this list:

1. One scene references 300
2. Someone gave me a bag of peanut M&Ms during the movie
3. Amy Adams has a nice butt

What I’m saying is, is if I was lying on the couch on a Saturday afternoon and I had a choice between watching this movie or the all-womens’ pro-am croquet tournament, I would have to pick the latter.

Eli’s Review:  2 ½ out of 10

I didn’t really have any expectations of greatness coming into this movie, but I was at least expecting something better. The first thing to disappoint me in this movie was the plot, which was a confusing and juvenile run-off of the first Night at the Museum movie. I really had no idea what was going on until about 20 minutes into the movie, seeing that it’s been a long time since the first movie came out. I would try and explain the plot to you if I could, but I still don’t really get it. A former guard from the New York Smithsonian saves his old friends at the D.C. Smithsonian from an evil king who was abusing his power, in a non-violent, not-funny way? In fact, the corny fight scenes and the stupid banter was enough to make me roll my eyes several times. The producer thought it was a good idea to throw a bunch of the office cast members and washed up comedians on the screen and that maybe it would make an entertaining movie. When have Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson ever been funny?  This movie has turned me off to any of their future work, and even dampened my adoration for The Office.

Worse yet was the assortment of historical figures splashed around in the film (you can hear the sounds of thumping as Eli ascends his soap box). The most notable were Teddy Roosevelt (during his Rough Rider days), Abraham Lincoln, Colonel George Custer (who they kept referring to as “General”), and Emilia Earhart (played by a beautiful Amy Adams, but who in real life looked more like Hillary Clinton). In typical Hollywood fashion, they sacrificed the true essence of history on the altar of entertainment. They made George Custer look like a fun-loving, bumbling idiot. In reality he was one of the more brilliant military minds in history. But nobody knows that, because they have grown up watching crap like this. I know this is a kid’s movie and you have to make it interesting, but wouldn’t you rather they had a little less childish approach to our history? Show a little pride people!  Instead, everyone leaves the theater saying “Hey, Custer must have been a real idiot! I wonder what he did?” or “Honest Abe! He never lied! Who was he anyway?”  Despicable.

I could rant for hours about the shortcomings in historical facts, but there is so much more. Like the rant about how long and boring the “comedic” scenes were, or how stupid the outfits looked. Frankly, this whole idea sucked, and I wish I never saw this movie.

Jordan: *** (of 5)
Well, Eli saw this movie first and told me it was pretty awesome, so I was really excited to see it. And it was good—I definitely recommend it.
We have all seen war movies, and after a while they all start to blend in with each other. You know pretty much before you sit down what is going to happen. There is going to be a tense scene where the good guys hold their breath and pray that the bad guys don’t find them. There is going to be a scene where the local woman comes out to kiss all the soldiers. And of course, there is going to be a scene where someone gets shot, falls to his knees, tries to stand up, gets shot again, shoots another bad guy, gets shot three more times, then falls to the ground and gives a speech—all in slow motion.
Saints and Soldiers does not disappoint on that front. Plot-wise, it’s Saving Private Ryan-lite. Theme-wise, it’s Band of Brothers-lite. What sets this movie apart is its constraint, and fair-mindedness. It isn’t a rated R bloodfest. There are gaping wounds, but the camera doesn’t zoom in on the cracked protruding bones. People die (a lot), but nobody’s head blows off. The weirdest thing was that every time a person died, I cringed. I don’t mean just the Americans—whenever a German soldier fell, it hurt just as much as watching the good guys die.
What kind of war movie does that? What kind of WWII movie portrays the Nazis’ humanity so well that I actually don’t want anybody to get shot? A different kind of war movie, and one well worth watching.

Saints and Soldiers
2004
PG-13 for violence and related images

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0373283/

Naturally, I am going to give this wonderful book a look, and fill us all in on some movies that perhaps time–and most definitely we–forgot.

The Neptune Factor (1972, G)
The poster for this movie shows a rip-roaring scene, with a tiny yellow submarine skittering away from a huge, toothy lantern fish and little divers scattering everywhere and killer eels and blood everywhere! The tagline boldly proclaims, “THE MOST FANTASTIC UNDERSEA ODYSSEY EVER FILMED.” Here’s what Halliwell says:
“American oceanologists conduct an experiment in underwater living. Wet ‘actioner’ in which very little happens except a few porthole views of magnified fish.”
An instant classic!

Masqurade in Mexico (1945, Not Rated)
Another hilarious tagline! This one reads: “A Fiesta of Music and Latin Love! Only Mitchell Leisen of “Lady In The Dark” fame could put such lavishness into this postwar paradise of romantic, rhythmic adventure!”
Halliwell says: “A stranded showgirl is hired by a Mexican banker to entice a gigilo away from his wife. Talent-starved remake of Midnight, which seem second-hand even if you don’t know why.”
That last line is so biting! What a Brit, eh?

Queen of the Mob (1940, Definitely Not Rated)
Granny is holding a pistol, towering over the overturned wreckage of a car. The tagline screams: “Just a sweet old lady… BUT, SHE HAS THE SAVAGE, COLD HEART OF A KILLER!” I keep feeling like these companies are going to get sued for advertising more than they can deliver…
The film got one star, with the review: “A murderess and her three sons are captured by the FBI. Pacy crime melodrama from the Persons in Hiding series, based on the exploits of Ma Barker.”
‘Pacy,’ I’m assuming, means slow. We know how that is.

Crash (1976, Not Rated)
This one was tough to find anywhere else online. No, it’s not the 2004 Paul Haggis movie. That one was easy to find. No, this one was directed by Alan Gibson (?) and was written by Michael Allin, who also wrote Enter the Dragon and Flash Gordon (!). You’d think a movie like that would ROCK, right?
“The problems of competitors in a 1000-mile motor race across the Philippines. Cheapjack cash-in on the Cannonball school; only violence catches the eye.”
Oh. One of those movies. Didn’t one of those just come out? Yeah… All of the sites online have a slightly different version of the plot, though. Actually, an entirely different version…

And finally, a film that defines me as a person:
The Texan (1930)
“A TERROR to men! A TORMENT to women! A THRILL for all!” I feel like I’ve seen the movie already!
“The Llano Kid absolves his bandit past. Early sound western, and interesting curiosity.”
And really, how much more could you ask of a movie? None more… none more…

Well, I keep getting distracted, so I think it is time to move on. I would like to quickly throw out there a movie that I saw part of today, Outsourced. From what I saw, it’s a pretty fun film! And that’s what it is all about, eh?

-Jordan

The first three minutes of this movie were the best part, after that it just went downhill. It had a really dark feel to it, and if you have seen one drug bust you have seen them all. I can name a couple drug movies that were better, one of which is A Man Apart. Why haven’t we reviewed that movie? I’m sorry if you liked this movie, because I would rather watch paint dry, or grass grow. I gave it two stars because Eva Mendes made me happy.

Jordan’s Review:
**1/2 (two and a half stars)
I was genuinely dissatisfied with this movie. The trailers were amazing: Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlberg, brothers on opposite sides of the law, coming together to kick some drug-dealer badonkadonk. So I was excited to sit down and watch this movie. How could it go wrong?
Well, it was boring. The story was clichéd, the bad guys weren’t really all that bad, the music just plain sucked, and for some reason there was no chemistry whatsoever between the actors. Wahlberg and Phoenix couldn’t have been worse choices as brothers, and they both knew it, so apparently they just decided to pretend they had never met each other. Having Robert Duvall as their father couldn’t even salvage the movie. I found myself wishing it was over so I could see what was on TV.
The only reason I give this movie that extra half star is because there are movies out there that don’t have Eva Mendes.

We Own the Night
2007
Rated R for strong violence, drug material, language, some sexual content and brief nudity.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0498399/

I went to the theater that dreary afternoon as pumped as I have ever been to see a man get killed on screen. I wanted stunts, I wanted explosions, I wanted girls! And Quantum of Solace delivered… in the blandest, most vanilla-milk-shake manner possible.
Stunts? We get this choppy, blurry, horribly ordinary chase scene. And then another one. And then another one. Bond spends more time running through film than he does talking.
Explosions? We are “treated” to a boring, angular brown building blowing up in a boring, angular brown desert.
Girls? …What girls? Bond trades more snarky dialogue with Judy Dench’s ‘M’ than with his young female counterpart. When a 74-year-old woman is, for all intents and purposes, Bond’s femme fatale, we know something is wrong with the series.
The bad guy is lame. That’s all there is to it. Does he have an awesome base in outer space? No. He owns a warehouse. A regular warehouse, with a fence. And trucks. And what is his super-bad plan? To buy all the water in Bolivia. Is he even going to put electric eels in the water? No, he’s just going to make your utility bill really, really high.
The film just lacked what makes James Bond James Bond. Gone were the cigarettes, the slick suits and the slick hair, the gambling and the smooth-talking. Seriously, I spent half of the movie wishing Daniel Craig would take a shower. Bond is not Rambo, he is Bond. And the cool in this film was nowhere to be found.

Eli’s Review:
** (2 out of 5)
This was not a very good movie at all. I left the Quantum of Solace thinking, “Wow, I want my Roger Moore movies back.” Yeah, it sucked that much. It sucked so much that I was thinking about writing the next movie. Here is a similar plot that I decided would be better. I steal all the milk in the world and keep it in a secret hanger in the middle of the desert. That’ll show ‘em. Then the Brits will send James Bond after me and… he will save the world from a milk shortage… I think that’s better than this stupid plot.
WHERE ARE THE BOND GIRLS!? No Bond girl in Quantum of Solace. Only a brief moment where he is seen in bed with a not-so-great-looking someone. Come on people. Bond movies are chock-full of him sweet talking beautiful, well known, tough women, and charming them. Not in this movie. Men are supposed to learn how to be manly from Mr. Bond. Not creepy stalker-guy who is dirty and looks like he got hit by a garbage truck.
Bond was ruthless, and has turned into a mindless brute instead of a cunning, gentlemanly agent. He kills the weaklings and leaves the bosses for the women to take out. WOW…TIMOTHY DALTON! WHERE HAVE YOU GONE WHEN WE NEEDED YOU THE MOST! “M” was annoying, as usual. And for some reason the producers thought it would be a good idea to give her a huge role…. What is this world coming to… this action-packed middle of the road movie was just a waste of time. If you haven’t seen the movie than here is the movie in a nutshell (warning: spoiler!): not-so-bad-guy buys all of Bolivia’s water, and that pisses off the British… so they kill him… with Bond… And save Bolivia. The end. Now save yourself 20 bucks, rent Dr. No and Casino Royale, and then hibernate until the next movie.

You can pretty much tell when you go to Blockbuster the movies that are going to suck. As I scanned the shelves, my eyes fell upon Right at Your Door, and I thought, “Woah… that movie looks kind of cool… but I know for sure I am never going to convince anyone to rent a movie that looks that crappy.”

And, lo and behold, Eli was thinking the same thing! So we rented the movie and watched it.

And you know what? It didn’t suck!

The story takes place during a terrorist attack in L.A., and the whole thing is a mixture between 28 Days Later and that new monster movie Cloverfield. The tense music and cinematography give the film a paranoid feel, and although the acting and dialogue are nothing special, it’s how people actually talk.

Indeed, Right at Your Door is frighteningly realistic. As the characters watch chemical bombs explode skyscrapers in the distance, you suddenly realize that something like this could really happen.

And then you start to ask yourself, “What would I do in this situation…”

And the answers are worth four stars.

Eli’s Review: ***1/2

This movie was half decent with plenty of suspense and action, and it was surprisingly good for a B-list movie. The movie resembled War of the Worlds with its building horror, and the ending was a real shocker. At the end of the movie when you think about it there is a really good message about the importance of family and being loyal no matter what. I recommend this movie; it was worth my two hours.

Right at Your Door
2006
Rated R for “pervasive language and some disturbing violent content”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0458367/

]]> http://danggoodmovies.wordpress.com/2008/11/15/right-at-your-door-2006-r/feed/ 0 danggoodmovies http://danggoodmovies.wordpress.com/2008/09/25/double-feature/ http://danggoodmovies.wordpress.com/2008/09/25/double-feature/#comments Thu, 25 Sep 2008 23:58:55 +0000 danggoodmovies http://danggoodmovies.wordpress.com/?p=13 Continue reading →]]> Silence of the Lambs (rated R, 1991)
and
Hannibal (rated R, 2001)

Jordan’s Review
Silence of the Lambs: 8 out of 10
Hannibal: 9 out of 10

Our first double feature! Ok, I know these movies have been out for a while, and maybe most of you have seen them, but for Eli and me this was our first viewing. We watched them back to back, starting at 10 pm and going until 2 the next morning, and I’m not going to lie to you, it got intense.

Silence of the Lambs is a satisfying movie. It is something that we all have heard quoted a thousand times, and yet for being so overplayed it still keeps its… certain flavor. The line, “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti,” delivered with such casualness, almost cheerfulness, literally made me shout out loud at Eli “Holy Crap, that is BAD!” The movie moves with perfect pacing, never holding a single scene a minute too long. You are taken carefully, with attention to detail, throughout the entire chilling narrative until the freaky-deaky ending.

Hannibal comes back ten years later with a new director and kicks the intensity, style and cruelty up to an almost ridiculous measure. I don’t even want to describe it to you, but it was the most fun-to-watch movie I’ve seen since The Godfather. And that movie was fun to watch.

‘Bad’ was a word we threw around a lot during the movies. Hannibal Lecter, played of course by Anthony Hopkins, is one of the—no, is THE—most evil villain I have ever seen on screen. One of my favorite moments in the series comes in the second movie, when a former victim, missing his face and out for revenge, cries, “I bet you wish you had fed the rest of me to the dogs!” Lecter patronizingly replies, “No… I like you just the way you are…”
Owen Davian, from Mission Impossible III, was my former favorite villain. Remember his cold “…Do you have a wife… girlfriend…? I’m going to kill her,” spiel?
Hannibal would have had Owen Davian sobbing in the corner in minutes.

Eli’s review

Silence of the Lambs: 8 of 10

Silence of the Lambs is definitely a classic. It was so, so bad. When I say bad I mean “ Oh jeepers, I just ran over my girlfriends dog” bad. You know that feeling you get when you wake up from a bad dream and you are remembering details? And you can still remember that dream to this day? That’s the feeling I had watching Anthony Hopkins play the most sinister roll for a villain in the history of film. Forget the Joker, the Joker is PG-13, Hannibal is straight up evil. The very first scene you see Hannibal I said to Jordan “ That is a bad man.” We were hooked the rest of the movie.

The movie was filmed in the 90’s and it had a 90’s feel to it. Lower budget than most films today, spotty supporting cast, but two names blew this film out of normalcy and into elite ranks; Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins. Hopkins made this movie the scariest movie of all time. Foster brought the emotion. The fear was something you could feel with her. Every scene her emotions matched your emotions. It was like she was working the investigation along with you. I give it an 8. Great acting, great suspense, mediocre soundtrack, mediocre supporting cast, evil story, but a story that could actually happen; Hannibal is not crazy, just smarter than you.

Hannibal: 8.5

Hannibal is the lesser known sequel to Silence of the Lambs, but it outruns its predecessor with amazing music, another smashing performance by Hopkins, and an even more evil (if that’s possible) ending. When you sit down to watch Hannibal you’re not sitting down to watch a chick flick, you sit down saying, “I hope I am scared witless tonight” and by golly, that gets delivered in a nice shiny box. Hannibal brings a much needed conclusion to this story, and even though it doesn’t have Jodie Foster, it’s made late enough to where that doesn’t matter. Julianne Moore is a look-alike to the assassin-inspiring Foster, so I am satisfied. Hannibal flexes his brain power in this film, and shows you just how completely and utterly evil he really is. In Silence of the Lambs you knew he was bad, but in Hannibal you get to see that he really is bad.(time for another look into the past) Remember when you were 4 and you were told never to touch a hot stove because it would hurt? “O come on, it cant be as bad as you think can it? (touch) O, yah, uh, it is that bad.” Hannibal. 8.5 out of 10, why? More money = better music, better director= a very horrifying film.

Ta-Ta, E.

Open Range. 3:10 to Yuma. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. All movies that came to mind when I read the title “The Assassination of Jesse James.” This was going to be a western, and I was looking forward to it.

And yet this movie was almost completely unlike those others. It had all of the western conventions: the shootings, the robberies, the panoramic views of sunsets and barren landscapes.
But this movie was… it’s hard to say it, it’s a girly word, but it was beautiful.

That’s the best way to describe it. There wasn’t a single scene in the entire movie that wasn’t gorgeous to look at. The music was lush and tense and haunting, foreshadowing the inevitable death that gives the movie its title. The best part, however, was the acting. Brad Pitt brought his best face to the role of Jesse James (this isn’t the brooding brute from Troy or the blubbering husband in Babel), and he was fun to watch in every scene, but I was blown away by the performance of Casey Affleck as Robert Ford. His hoarse voice, his shifty eyes… he was the perfect character.

It’s really hard to write this review. There is really no way to understand the film without seeing it. It was long in parts, and I was confused in parts (some of the bad guys look pretty similar), but once the plot came together and the stage was set, I was hooked. Please, sit through the movie. By the time it’s over you’ll see what I mean.

Eli’s Review: 6.5 stars

I would have to agree with Jordan on this one. I was expecting a Clint Eastwood, shoot-until-the-gun-melts, thriller. But instead I got a history lesson. Which is fine with me, I love history, in fact it’s my major. So this whole movie was quite fascinating. However, the average western-film aficionado is middle aged men with a bag of Cheetos®, and he is going to fall asleep in the middle of this one. Brad Pitt did an excellent job portraying one of America’s most lauded villains, but the acting job, and the movie, follows the path he took in “Babel” instead of “Ocean’s 11”, more art than grit. If you want to learn about Jesse James, than this film is excellent, great music, great acting, dramatic and I highly recommend “the Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford”. If you are like the average middle-aged man, sitting on your couch, enjoying a brew, scratching your bulging belly through your wife-beater, and giddy about the latest issue of “Bass Pro Weekly”, than you won’t like that “Jesse James whatever movie”. If I was posting this on the stalls of the history department on the fifth floor of the GC I would give this 9 stars. But this is Flint. Flint. So I give it 6.5. Still, one of my favorite westerns, and I recommend it to anyone with sophisticated taste, and yes, that’s a challenge.

p.s. Did I mention the soundtrack is top 5 of all time in my book?

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
2007, Rated R
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443680/

8 out of 10

In Bruges was simply fantastic. From the opening scene this movie was witty, and funny, but at the same time a very serious; thrilling movie. Two paid killers are on assignment in Bruges, the new kid (Collin Ferrell) is unhappy to even be in Bruges, and he becomes careless. After things go terribly wrong with a “job,” their morality, and friendship comes under fire. A great Indi-film, super acting, and the ending is so good that this thought crept into my head; “hey, that ending was so good I just want to drop a duce in my pants right now!” It was that good. Why is it not given 11 out of 10 and ranked as a DANG GOOD MOVIE? Because for one, there was so many F-bombs I began to believe the writer didn’t know how to put a simple “!” at the end of his sentence so he just added “F**K”. Second, the movie was so sad and dramatic that I don’t know if I would want to watch it a second time. Kind of like the Passion of The Christ. So…. 8 out of 10, now all of you Indi-film fans take the trophy and run.

Jordan’s Review

8 out of 10

Weird, Eli and I keep giving movies the same rating… that almost never happens…

Well, In Bruges deserves the 8 out of 10. I’m not exactly sure how it got in to our Netflix queue, but when it came in the mail I was like “What is this? Some French film? Well, crap, didn’t mean to order that.” When we put it in, I was pretty much planning on falling asleep while watching it.

I didn’t fall asleep.

In Bruges was a bodacious film. It made you laugh without realizing it, it made you tense without realizing it, it made you love the characters without realizing it. It was… effortless. The film just clicked. The story was excellent, the writing was excellent, and I kept saying “This soundtrack is so good… Dude are you hearing this? This is good music…”

It’s close to being perfect. Close. It’s pretty profane, and dark enough to keep me from actually buying the movie when I saw it on sale at Blockbuster. But for a movie I had never heard of, it was pretty dang enjoyable!

In Bruges

2008, Rated R

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780536/

5 out of 10

Doomsday; The king of low budget films should be the title of this movie. In fact it followed all the keys to success for a crap movie; copy something successful, add a hottie, and shazam! You have college kids like us renting it from Netflix.

Now this movie was fun to watch for a yucky, low budget film. The chick was hot, and that is key for crap movies, if you have a hottie people will watch. Other than that, well, if you have seen Resident Evil, Underworld, and 28 Weeks Later, than you probably saw the action scenes to this movie, fun but horribly predictable. Another bummer was the fact that through the entire movie Jordan and I were saying to each other, “okay, now how does that fit into the story again?” The plot was all over the place, and I was slightly confused the whole time as to what the Sam Hill was going on.

Doomsday was a fun movie with lots of killing, but nowhere near a quality film. Lots of screaming men, lots of dying men, lots of disease, and lots of laughs and shakes of the head, I give it cool-if-you-think-gay-is-the-new-straight-five-out-of-ten stars.

Jordan’s Review-

5 ½ out of 10

When I saw the trailer for Doomsday, my first thought was “Awesome, they’re making a Resident Evil 4!”

It turns out I wasn’t very far off. Doomsday draws its inspiration from a well-worn set of material. The plot: A horrific plague leads Great Britain to seal off the entire nation of Scotland. What is discovered when the gates are inevitably opened ranges from the obvious (think The Road Warrior, Outbreak, 28 Weeks Later, etc.) to the entirely unexpected (Lord of the Rings?)

But hey, all of those movies rock! I actually shouted “That is so cool!” during this one scene where a Volkswagen van–decked out in skulls and spikes–runs over a man, squirts blood everywhere (including all over the camera), and flips into the air while catching on fire. I mean, how can you say no to something like that?

That being said, Doomsday is an incredibly violent exploitation film. You watch it, not to gain a higher understanding of the human condition, but to see a man get roasted alive and eaten by cannibals. I can’t say I recommend it to anyone, but I can definitely say I don’t recommend it to my mother.

Doomsday (2008)
Rated R
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0483607/