So Eli and I came to the library today to get some homework done. Eli is working–I am not (writing major = the bare minimum of effort). So I let my eyes rove, and what did they land upon? None other than the classic text Halliwell’s Film Guide: Second Edition! I have never heard of Leslie Halliwell, but according to Wikipedia he was a pretty big film connoisseur in the 60s and 70s,and he did a lot of 1-4-star reviews. Kind of like a British Siskell and Ebert.
Naturally, I am going to give this wonderful book a look, and fill us all in on some movies that perhaps time–and most definitely we–forgot.
The Neptune Factor (1972, G)
The poster for this movie shows a rip-roaring scene, with a tiny yellow submarine skittering away from a huge, toothy lantern fish and little divers scattering everywhere and killer eels and blood everywhere! The tagline boldly proclaims, “THE MOST FANTASTIC UNDERSEA ODYSSEY EVER FILMED.” Here’s what Halliwell says:
“American oceanologists conduct an experiment in underwater living. Wet ‘actioner’ in which very little happens except a few porthole views of magnified fish.”
An instant classic!
Masqurade in Mexico (1945, Not Rated)
Another hilarious tagline! This one reads: “A Fiesta of Music and Latin Love! Only Mitchell Leisen of “Lady In The Dark” fame could put such lavishness into this postwar paradise of romantic, rhythmic adventure!”
Halliwell says: “A stranded showgirl is hired by a Mexican banker to entice a gigilo away from his wife. Talent-starved remake of Midnight, which seem second-hand even if you don’t know why.”
That last line is so biting! What a Brit, eh?
Queen of the Mob (1940, Definitely Not Rated)
Granny is holding a pistol, towering over the overturned wreckage of a car. The tagline screams: “Just a sweet old lady… BUT, SHE HAS THE SAVAGE, COLD HEART OF A KILLER!” I keep feeling like these companies are going to get sued for advertising more than they can deliver…
The film got one star, with the review: “A murderess and her three sons are captured by the FBI. Pacy crime melodrama from the Persons in Hiding series, based on the exploits of Ma Barker.”
‘Pacy,’ I’m assuming, means slow. We know how that is.
Crash (1976, Not Rated)
This one was tough to find anywhere else online. No, it’s not the 2004 Paul Haggis movie. That one was easy to find. No, this one was directed by Alan Gibson (?) and was written by Michael Allin, who also wrote Enter the Dragon and Flash Gordon (!). You’d think a movie like that would ROCK, right?
“The problems of competitors in a 1000-mile motor race across the Philippines. Cheapjack cash-in on the Cannonball school; only violence catches the eye.”
Oh. One of those movies. Didn’t one of those just come out? Yeah… All of the sites online have a slightly different version of the plot, though. Actually, an entirely different version…
And finally, a film that defines me as a person:
The Texan (1930)
“A TERROR to men! A TORMENT to women! A THRILL for all!” I feel like I’ve seen the movie already!
“The Llano Kid absolves his bandit past. Early sound western, and interesting curiosity.”
And really, how much more could you ask of a movie? None more… none more…
Well, I keep getting distracted, so I think it is time to move on. I would like to quickly throw out there a movie that I saw part of today, Outsourced. From what I saw, it’s a pretty fun film! And that’s what it is all about, eh?
-Jordan
